hi pals!!!!!! emma sporadic spending update here: i haven’t bought clothes or other “unnecessary items” (ie skincare, makeup, takeout, or even books, which i feel kind of harsh classifying as unnecessary but i get so many free from work that shopping for them feels silly except if it’s something i’m DESPERATE to read or a friend’s book or whatever) since my post about the tie-dye t-shirt of my dreams.
i wish i could say that me not shopping frivolously is the result of a disciplined self-improvement program, but the truth is…i just don’t have the extra money. between tax season, car registration fees, moving expenses (which are always way more than i’m ready for, so i’m trying to really budget before i head out for la in june) and random stupid inflation-y things like my car insurance rates almost doubling for no reason, i am strapped three days after my paycheck hits on a regular basis.
i used to feel a lot of shame and guilt for not having more money to my name as an adult—especially as a person who was raised comfortably upper-middle-class, graduated without debt and has had a steady job that is reasonably well-paid by digital media standards for almost four years—but it’s something i’m working on reducing, mainly because of something my therapist told me: “shame is not productive.” in fact, shame about money often leads to binge eating for me, which in turn loses me more money, and the deeper i am into a bad-choices hole, the more i tend to scrunch down and hold my ground until something finally pulls me out of it.
should i have more money saved? absolutely, and i wish i’d been diligent about putting aside more of my paycheck over the last few years, but all i can do is try to course-correct; it doesn’t help me or anyone else to berate myself for the units of privilege i’ve squandered. i’m continually trying to remind myself that the number in my bank account doesn’t correlate to my self-worth (true of everyone, btw!!! don’t let capitalism make you feel like shit about yourself for trying to survive it!!!)
what’s frustrating me right now, though, is that even though i’m NOT buying clothes online, ordering stoned delivery food, etc. and haven’t been for months, i’m still having trouble catching up with bills etc, which makes me feel like all the self-control and responsibility i’m trying to put into place isn’t having the effect it’s supposed to. this isn’t true, of course—that’s simply not how backlogged credit card debt works—but sometimes i miss my nightly routine logging onto ganni or lisa says gah and getting a little mindlessly goofy with it.
since i can’t really shop a ton right now and don’t anticipate being in a place to do so for a good while, i’m trying to focus on creating outfits that feel hot and gender-affirming out of what’s already in my closet. this means i’m wearing a lot of big t-shirts and bike shorts along with the marfa sentinel hat i bought rax for christmas and stole on my most recent l.a. trip, and frankly, i’m enjoying it! i own a lot of clothes, it turns out, even after clearing out a ton of them in instagram story sales!
if i WERE shopping, here’s what i would buy: cream-colored linen shorts, similar to a pair i saw on sale from wray a few years ago that i didn’t buy for some stupid reason. if i were REALLY flush, would also buy my best friend jazmine, who turns 30 later this month, a lobster dinner; as it is, she’ll have to make do with the BUY WEED FROM WOMEN sweatshirt i’m giving her (she works at a dispensary! it’s a good gift!!!!)
anyway, thanks for reading yet another dispatch of nothing. let’s all pray that i continue to be a good she/they, financially speaking, at LEAST until i’m set up in la and ready to ride the erewhon pony again.
xoxo,
emma