poly market

this is not (really) an essay about lindy west

as the fat author of a memoir who spent the 2 years before my book came out regularly drilling w my therapist in order to be prepared for almost any ungenerous and/or personal-feeling critique of my book that could possibly come my way, i really don’t have a lot of interest in litigating the particulars of lindy west’s throuple. she doesn’t seem particularly happy to the outside reader; she says she is and we’re all wrong; okay! i hope i am wrong about this! lindy’s first memoir and her wedding post and her tv show have been extremely important to me during different bouts of body anxiety throughout my life, and i want her to be respected and fulfilled in her life and work.

that said: let’s fucking talk about polyamory and fatness!

i recently got out of a relationship in which polyamory/open relationship-ness/whatever you want to call it was very much a topic of discussion, though not something we actually ended up exploring while we were together. my partner wanted to—i did not—and i never felt remotely manipulated or anything less than heard by him on the topic (that’s still my gay bestie), but still, i had this gnawing sense that being poly was something i would need to ‘confront’ at some stage if i wanted my relationship to last, and you know what? i didn’t, and it didn’t, and that’s okay.

to be clear, i was never firmly like “poly is death” when my ex and i talked about opening up our relationship; the confusing thing was that i was sort of interested in the idea, and i did fear and resent the concept of never kissing a new person for the rest of my life, and i did want my ex to have t4t experiences and for me to have fat4fat experiences and for those experiences to enrich us rather than taking away from the bond we shared. ultimately, though, i cannot write enough of a letter of recommendation for the concept of MAYBE EXPLORING THE CONCEPT OF BREAKING UP IF YOU ARE NOT SUPER-ALIGNED ON A VALUE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF THE RELATIONSHIP (SUCH AS POLYAMORY). being open is not an imperative! you do not have to cry and toss and turn and vom and get yourself to the open-relationship finish line one way or the other! even, or especially, if you are fat!

i think there is this sick and awful idea that i internalized, to some degree that the thin member of a fat4thin relationship will automatically “do better” if said relationship becomes open (which…what does “do better” even mean? get more feeld matches? have more sex? share more google calendars with more polycules? it’s all subjective!), but one of the best things about my former relationship was how spectacularly wanted and hot i felt in it; i never felt like my fat body was a burden, because it isn’t. if you are fat and you are with someone who makes you feel like you have a prize beyond rubies that you have to guard jealously or someone hotter and/or thinner will make off with them, then…yeah, maybe polyamory could be a kind of exposure therapy that helps you confront those issues, but maybe you’re also not in the right relationship! maybe you need a different therapist! maybe you need to start powerlifting or adopt a dog or buy a bunch of cool lingerie or something totally different that helps you inhabit your full self enough to share it properly with someone else!

as a four-month veteran of the bisexual singles’ market, i can vouch that it is, in the immortal words of olivia rodrigo, brutal out here (you ever send your friend that video of ethan hawke talking about how the one who is in love wins and receive a response that simply says “sending this bc a 27yo you slept with last night didn’t text you first is truly incredible”?), but i’m at a point in my life where i genuinely don’t think it would be better if i were thin. i was thin! i was very, very thin, and my dating life was way worse in roughly every measurable way, largely because i was closeted and depressed and did not like myself very much. i like myself now, fat. does that mean i’m awash in options of hot, funny suitors of all genders who appropriately revere me? god no, but that’s not the fault of my body; that’s simply the ball game.

i know professional models who literally make their living off their extreme and piercing beauty and are down way worse than me, romantically speaking; it’s simply not a 1:1 exchange of thinness to value, as much as disgusting male manipulators may want you to believe it is, and i’m so, so grateful that i didn’t feel the need to cling to a relationship that no longer romantically worked for me or my ex because i feared being single as a fat woman. this, to be clear, is no brag; i’m just fucking lucky. lucky to have had a partner for almost four years who was really nice to me and consistently into me. lucky to be able to afford good therapy. lucky to have friends who call me out when i blame the roughness of dating in la in 2026 on how i look, or don’t look. lucky to value things in life besides my appearance and my ability to pull. i want that for every fat person. fuck it; i want that for every person (except sam altman.)

currently reading: ‘show trial: hollywood, huac and the birth of the blacklist’ by thomas doherty.

currently watching: secret lives of mormon wives, i fear

currently listening to: a lot of sky ferreira? idk

xoxo,

emma