i can't stop thinking about this dress

it was teal, cocktail-length, with a silver bodice. i found it at the best vintage store in columbus (flower child), and obviously it was far, far too small; one of the most dispiriting things about shopping vintage as a fat person is the fact that many of the kinds of clothes you treasure—which, for me, is printed ‘60s dresses or floaty chiffon—often can’t be found in your size, and even this great store with a small but mighty plus size rack was no exception.

i’ve written and thought a lot about shopping primarily vintage as a fat person, and while i try to look on the bright side (if not that many things fit, it’s more exciting and easier on my budget when i do find that rare thing that works perfectly), it’s hard not to think of this thing my friend dove, the cofounder of my favorite plus-size market thick thrift, mentioned to me about how 60 years ago, the clothes you could find in your size limited your professional and personal options in a very real way beyond “i don’t like this dress on me so i’m calling in sick” (like, how do you find a, say, 5xl work jumpsuit or waitress uniform without an extensive budget and/or the internet? how do you take a beach vacation if you can’t find a swimsuit that fits?)

when i think about that, i feel dumb being like ~but the really fun teal and silver dress didn’t fit meeeeee :(~, but the truth is, even though i am scandalously and insanely lucky in a myriad of ways that include the time and money i have to scout and pay for clothes i love in my size, i get bummed when i see something perfect that screams “betty draper on her slutty rome vacation with don in mad men s1 where she turns out to speak fluent italian” and realize that not only can i not fit into it, i’m also not necessarily going to find anything similar in my size.

i ended up making out like a bandit at flower child, where rax and our friends were kind enough to leave me for an hour during our trip to ohio for my college reunion last weekend; i found the PERFECT pair of brown pants in my favorite material on the aforementioned plus-size rack, as well as a bitchy clear purse (pics below) and a few other things, and i loved wearing the pants with my pink-and-brown tyler mcgillivary top, pink ganni sandals, pink cervo’s hat and vintage beaded fish food earrings to meet my friend beth for a cursed cocktail at bar lubitsch, a place so replete with heterosexual desperation that my french 75 tasted distinctly of my twenties:

all this to say, i’m not some sad sack fat girl sitting around miserably recalling each vintage garment that has Failed Me: as i move through my 30s, my attitude is more ‘i have enough shit in my closet’ than ‘i need to accumulate more shit’, and if there’s a size barrier to buying and hoarding shit i don’t necessarily need or even want, then…whatever, okay. i feel like j lo saying “im altering the dress to fit my body not the other way around” in demon mother in law or whatever that movie w jane fonda is called, but i’m trying to sit with what i have instead of constantly following my most urgent cravings. that said, i’ll still buy a ton of shit when the vibes are right and i know the items will bring me genuine happiness! like, my little table? pays for itself! in how often i set my coffee on it and breathe a deep sigh of contentment!

anyway, if anyone sees a 3xl or 4xl teal dress with a silver bodice and a kicky skirt knocking around their local vintage store, let me guess. but for now, i’m doing the sophie method of wearing what i already own in new combinations and rotating in the occasional new item, and i can tell you that these brown pants are about to get worn with a lot of dangly earrings and tube tops. it’s about to be summer!

currently watching: seth meyers comedy special? idk? i’m laughing but idk?

currently reading: stay and fight by madeline ffitch, a favorite i reread every few years. if you need an appalachian dyke survival story—and you do—this is the one. also rax’s lovely essay about our relationship, which has apparently made multiple friends cry :) to quote amy elliot dunne in gone girl: “im so crazy stupid happy”.

currently listening to: towa bird! romy mars! ethel cain!

xoxo bye