guys, i cleaned

and it was hard! but i did it!

much in the same way that i drink approximately 1/3 of any given iced beverage before abandoning it to the yawning cavern of the fridge (where rax is welcome to finish it but doesn’t HAVE to), i am a huge fan of reading 1/3 of any given book about adhd that my executive function coach hannah recommends to me before forgetting entirely about its existence. adhd: it’s more common than you think! anyway, one of hannah’s suggestions was the lovely book adhd 2.0, which i do intend to finish soon (hehe) and which uses the “popcorn machine” analogy to explain the adhd brain.

so often, adhd is framed as a lack or a scarcity issue, but really, we adhd-havers are fucking OVERFLOWING with good ideas (popcorn), and they’re spilling about everywhere (more popcorn), and there’s really no good way to pick up all the bounty (too much popcorn), so good stuff gets lost in the shuffle and we get exhausted from all that popcorn-making and end up going on the fritz and then there’s no popcorn and everyone is unhappy. i love this analogy so much because it makes me feel like all my ideas (let’s reorganize the bookshelf! let’s buy a new dog bed for frank! let’s go get vegan soft serve at the vegan soft serve place! let’s move to indonesia! let’s write a second book! let’s watch the l word! let’s take a nap!) are not “too much” or inherently bad; they’re just not being organized properly. and i need some help with that, and i’m getting it.

i don’t necessarily think executive function coaching is for everyone (it’s expensive, insurance rarely covers it, and for context, i pay about $120 per session, so i only see hannah once a month), but for me, meeting with a provider who a) actually has adhd herself and instinctively gets how my brain works and b) is committed to a non-stigmatizing, positive method of working with me has been a game-changer. that means if hannah assigns me homework (such as sorting tasks into a covey quadrant) and i don’t do it? there’s no shame or disappointment or disapproval, there’s just hannah asking 'what would feel like a realistic timeline for this task?’ we decide together, or we put it to the side and move on.

one of our first sessions involved literally sitting on the phone together and filling out my passport application (months before it expired, not to brag), and now, thanks largely to hannah’s influence and to the friendly, gentle and practical advice of how to keep house while drowning by kc davis—another book hannah recommended, and one i actually finished—i have a cleaned-out closet, a clean room, a clean bathroom, a clean bathroom vanity area/countertops/under-sink cabinet, and the beginnings of a clean car. i mean, everything is filthy, but there’s empty space in my room for the first time, and our wonderful cleaner sonia is coming today and will take care of the dust and grime while we make our way home from joshua tree.

this cleaning all took about a week, but i’m starting to see that the year-plus i spent dreading the task beforehand was actually part of the process; things needed to reach a critical point of no return before i could take the initiative to start cleaning out my bathroom drawers (the garbage in there filled two bags, y’all), and tbh, i have been doing pretty well at keeping common areas in rax’s and my apartment clean, but i understand why he wants to feel like my room is “clean enough that he can enter”. plus, frank won’t sleep in my room because it’s too messy. or was!!!!!!

the things i found indispensable in my cleaning process: high ponytail. central a/c. girlypop country music blasting from my phone. iced coffee, black. my stanley cup full of water with ice. clorox wipes. i did not enjoy much of the process (especially finding the random mishmash of bullshit i’ve shoved to the right of my bed for over a year), but it was wonderful to be reunited with my huda beauty orange lipstick and not one but TWO prerolls, and it’s even more wonderful to know that when we get home from joshua tree tonight, i’ll walk into my room and know it’s neat and clean and organized and not a hell swamp of my own making. a sentence i remember renee rapp saying to me (casual) in one of our interviews was “i struggle to be proud of myself”, and that’s real for me too, but i am so fucking proud of the work it took to make my bedroom into a livable space. no shame allowed!

next up: finishing my car cleanout, tackling under-the-bed (the ONLY part of my room i haven’t dealt with, but like, there’s a couple of hangers and maybe some lip balm under there, whatever), slaying frank’s weekly mommy-and-me puppy classes at petsmart to the point where he is pronounced Best Dog.

currently watching: queer ultimatum s2, y’all are NOT ready

currently reading: paul takes the form of a mortal girl by andrea lawlor, a forever banger

currently listening to: just so much shania

love u! wishing u clean rooms and a happy pride!

xoxo,

emma