a few months ago, my friends kate and maya forced me to delete tinder, lex and hinge from my phone. they did this out of compassion — i had been “dealing with” (or, more accurately, not dealing with) a breakup by going on constant dates, at least one a week, and all the rejection and meh-ness and polite smiling was starting to make me miserable, but i couldn’t stop.
because my friends kate and maya are no match for me, insanity-wise, they did not realize for a few days that i had simply accessed tinder from my laptop, thereby keeping my promise to delete the apps while actually not honoring the spirit of the thing at all.
it’s funny that i somehow became this person, a person who will go full “analog tinder” when the chips are down, because as recently as five years ago, i didn’t date at all. i would complain to my friend jazmine about being single and she would accurately point out that my odds of meeting someone were probably decreased by the fact that i didn’t go on dates. i would talk to guys on tinder, but i would always find a reason not to go out with them, and the few i did go out with would creep me out sufficiently to justify my reticence.
i don’t know what changed me from a person who would not go out on dates to a person who would not stop dating. some good things, definitely — i came out and started to hate myself less, which made it easier to imagine another person wanting to spend romantic time with me.
that said, dating is hard (banal understatement o’clock over here.) i commiserate about it with other Local Urban Singles, trading bar recommendations and swapping war stories, but what tends to be difficult to bring up in casual conversation is the thesis constantly thrumming in my mind: “do you ever worry you’re just going to exhaust yourself romantically in an effort to show some unseen force that you’re trying, and you’ll never be able to forge a connection of the kind that other people just seem to effortlessly fall into? haha!”
i am taking a break from dating right now, in the same way that i am taking a break from going outside; involuntarily. do i miss it? not really. am i fine on my own? lol no. complicating matters is the fact that i am weathering this pandemic at my dad’s house in hudson, where i have always secretly dreamt about getting married (in the yard, we’d rent chairs, reception at my favorite bar in town, etc.)
it is cathy-comic unacceptable to fantasize about your dream wedding, especially when you are single, maybe more so when you are queer and the oppressive patriarchal state bond you’re romanticizing only became a legal option for you five years ago. and yet, here i am, showing my whole emotional ass on the internet, for reasons unknown. if you were supposed to have a wedding now, i’m sorry. i hope you’re hanging out and watching crime procedurals with your partner, and i hope it still feels worth it. <3